Ethan Bug's Blog

happy valentines day my baby boy

2012-02-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

missing you as always, wishing you were here to hug and give me your special kisses. daddy sarah and i were talking about you and your cuteness all through dinner tonight~~just wanted to come say i love you, my brave boy my hero always and forever!!!

boy has this been a tough month~~

2012-01-26T18:43:00.001-08:00

oh ethan, this has been by far the toughest month since you have been gone physically. i can not wait to hold you in my arms, to hug and to kiss like we aways did. and next month is our 1st big vacation without you, but i know i need to go on for sarah, she deserves happy moments~~
i found out today on july 29,2012 will be the 46 mommas shave for the brave event. i am so happy to be involved in this event, to raise funds for childhood cancer research and also to bond with other mommas mising their babies and some that still have their babies~~
i hope you know, i go on for sarah but i can not wait to be with you again. you are in my thoughts every moment of every day~~

love you more than chocolate my baby boy, mommy

good evening my sweet baby boy~~

2012-01-20T18:35:00.000-08:00

oh sweet ethanbug you have been gone physically for 1 years, 4 months, and 16 days. it seems like we have been physically apart for millions of years. notice how i said "physically" because i know you are here in spirit through the signs i get and through your sissy~~
big news baby boy, i am going to raise funds and shave my head at the end of july with the "46 mommas, shave for the brave event" i am so excited to be doing this in your memory and raising funds for research~~kadies mommy sarah is going to be doing it to right beside me, just like you and kadie are now, side by side. i hope she is not being too hard on you, she is a tough little country girl but she loves you~!!
daddy and sarah are both snoring right now as i sit and have my thoughts of you, my beautiful handsome loving hero!
i love you and will write again soon.
i love you more than chocolate my baby, love, mommy

Ethan I hope you are proud~~!!

2011-08-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

Hi my baby boy, missing you as always but especially at night when everyone is in bed and i am here to think of you. you and what you should be doing , i should be getting ready to send you to 4 year old preschool, but your cancer robbed me of that. I watch at how excited your "sissy" is getting to go to 3 year old preschool.

I hope you and kadie are together having fun being cancer free pain free and just being regular kids together. hoping you are both having wonderful dinners together. Baby boy that was so hard going to kadies viewing and funeral but i know you were with me and i was able to be there for kadies mommy sarah~~~

Getting ready to do some great things in your memory~~first thing i am going to disneyworld to do a 1/2 marathon (i am walking not running) in your memory and all fundraising goes to calebs crusade. i am starting to train and hope to lose some of this weight put on by my ways of coping with your death, no more coke to drink and no more bags of chocolate. and then tomorrow we are having a meeting bringing curesearch here to pittsburgh, a walk we will do in october. i am doing all of this for you. if i can help one person by doing all that i do i will feel i made a difference. like i always said "i will fight for childhood cancer until the day i leave this earth".

i am going to try to go to bed now, i love you more than chocolate and that is alot,
love always your mommy forever~~!!!

MISSING YOU SO MUCH ETHANBUG!!

2011-08-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

Wow mommy has not been able to write for awhile, i have been here to our blog but have not been able to write. since you first angelversary i have been mad, sad, happy at times, but mostly sad~~ this 2nd year of not having you here is much worse than the 1st, i think because the first year you are so numb and i was in my own little world, but now i am not numb i have feeling of anger at cancer and i am still angry with god. i am mad because we do not have you here physically, sarah misses you so much but she always tells me how you are with her, and i have signs from butterflies mostly. i want to dream about you, us and the entire family but i can not because i want it so much~~and i am sad, sad that you never got to be potty trained, never got to go to school like sarah is getting ready to start, to ride you first roller coaster, to ride a bike, i could go on forever~~~

As you know because i know you are with her, your girl kadie is dying of her cancer. i know you will meet her and not let her be alone. i always think back to our night at the hospital where you both had your candlelight dinner in the sunroom with the instant soup from the snack cart~~it was so hard going to see kadie yesterday brought back the memories when we brought you home on hospice care. she was in pain but as you know kadie is a littlepistol, you can not cry in front of her or she would yell. i am letting you know right now my little ethanbug she will be the leader in your relationship~~ i am going to be there for sarah , kadies mommy and i am going to hold her tight because this is the worst feeling in the world, your child dying at any age.

i do get happy when i see sarah living through you, she wants to be her independant self but wants to be like her big brother. the other day she was mad and i said why sarah, she said cancer took her brother away and that made her mad. i told her she was allowed to be mad and sad when she needed too. but she gets so excited when she tells me when you come to visit her, she will say words like you did and so on.

tomorrow papy is running the ethan joseph loney memorial tournament to raise money for childhood cancer. mommy is putting the money raised towards the 1/2 marathon i am doing in january in disneyworld. i am walking 13.1 miles in memory of you my sweet baby boy~ as some of the girls say "i walk because i can, i walk because they can't" i hope you are proud of mommy i am trying to do amazing things in your memory, if i can help one person i will be happy. i will fight until the day i die for you!!

well mommy is going to try to sleep alittle, i love you and think of you every minute of every day!!!

love always your mommy!!!

Ethan's First Angel - Versary

2011-04-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

Ethan's First Angel - Versary
by Jackie Graham McFeaters

Today is my first Angel-versary!

Mommy I don't want you to be sad about me

You know that I will always live in your heart

And that means we'll never really be apart

I know you wish I could have stayed with you longer

But I want you to be happy and keep getting stronger

Here in Heaven I have so many important jobs to do

I'm such a good angel because of what I learned from you

My angel job is teaching people to be loving and caring

My job is easy because you taught me all about sharing

God chose you and Daddy to show me these things

And now I carry your love on my angel wings

The reason I didn't need to stay here on Earth very long

Is because I learned very quickly about right and wrong

Sometimes I have to help people to do the right things

I teach them about helping others and the good feeling that brings

That's the reason I want you to keep telling my story

You can help your angel and spread the word for me

You are doing such a good job teaching people to be giving

You'll come to heaven and help me when it's time to stop living

But right now Mommy I want you to be happy and live

I know that you have so much love to give

Daddy and Sissy need you so much and I want you to see

That you need to love them and don't be sad about me

I'm always going to be with you and Daddy and Sissy

When Sissy gives you hugs they are coming from me

I'll always watch over Sissy and be her big brother

And all you have to do Mommy is love her

Some day in Heaven you and I will be together again

And I will live in your heart until then

Please Mommy when you think of me you should smile and not cry

Because I love being an angel and I'm sure you know why

It's okay for you to be sad every once in a while

But just think "WHAT WOULD ETHAN DO" and SMILE!!!!

1 Year Angel-versary

2011-04-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

oh ethan you have been gone physically for 1 year today, to me it feels like a million years. i do have to be thankful for al the family and friends that have been there for me daddy and sissy. yesterday it rained all day, that was comforting to me because i knew you were doing that so many people could jump in puddles for you yesterday and today~~you have taught so many people to love more, to be more patient and to all around be a better person. you have done more in your 2 1/2 years here than most people do in a lifetime and you continue to tech people.
so many of your nurses remembered you today with love~~also your girlfriend kadie and also your buddy jaden who both have battled neuroblastoma with you.
i love you so much and will write to you again soon.
i love you my hero, mommy

Don't be mad I have not been here in awhile~~~

2011-01-23T19:32:00.000-08:00

my sweet handsome loving caring beautiful awesome boy i miss you so much, i think of you every minute of everyday. i can not believe i made it though the holidays, i was so sad but i was happy that you do not have cancer or pain anymore~~my heart will always be broken, it will never be whole again. i went to the cemetary and put your penguin flag up and i took all the snow off our grave, i cried while i did it, looking at your christmas tree and wreath and all the ornaments family and friends decorated it with. you should be with mommy daddy and sissy and betsy too~~
now your sissys birthday is coming, i can not believe she will be "3", that means i would have 2 "3 year olds" that are not twins!! then comes your anniversary of being in heaven then your 4th birthday. i will be celebrating your birthday again, always will~~
we are doing so great things to remember you, we are donating girl scout cookies to your favorite floor at chp (9b) for the patients and their families. so far we have over 100 boxes. also mommy is planning a memorial blood drive and bone marrow screening drive, just lookiing for a good place to have it~~and we are working on your "ethan loney foundation" and we will be donating alot of time and money to heathers haven, they are namimg the acres of woods after you. ETHAN BUGS HUNDRED ACRE WOOD!! they are working on the artwork, i am so proud of this and we will be there to help and volunteer when it does open, and that will be one thing sissy will always be a part off~~
sissy misses you so much, she for a 2 year old is amazing. she realizes that you live far far away and that you can not come back. she holds me when i am sad and she helps me to go on. we are getting ready for her march for babies walk, TEAM SARAH PATRICIA. we will have winnie the pooh wearing a shirt again that says brother on it. then in june we will be doing the relay for life, ETHAN BUG'S ANGELS is our team name. i have been selling 31 products and raising money for the relay for life with all my commission going towards my donations. i am so proud of you and the great little boy you are.
i went to see a spiritual medium and had a wonderful session. she told me about the person you are with in heaven, down to the hair and eyebrows, it is my pappy your great grand pappy, martin. he was in heaven by the time you came along, but i am glad he is loving you and teaching you so much~~
i must go to bed now, sissy goes to her 2 year old preschool tomorrow.
REMEMBER I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE THAN CHOCOLATE~~
AND I LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE EACH DAY~
YOUR MOMMY FOREVER AND EVER!!!!

Poem for my hero my ethan bug~~~

2010-12-21T20:52:00.000-08:00

My First Christmas With Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

One Last Christmas- Matthew West

2010-12-21T20:40:00.000-08:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING MY BABY BOY~~~~

2010-11-25T20:26:00.000-08:00

WOW, this has been another hard one, missing you and wanting you to be here. i am thankful that you are not suffering , pain free and cancer free~~~last year at thanksgiving daddy was taking you into the hospital due to an infection and this year you are in heaven. i surrounded myself with friends and family~~i will write more tomorrow but i wanted to say i miss you and you are my hero~~~
love always your mommy

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY, MY WORLD CHANGED~~~

2010-09-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

Ethan, today marks the 1 year anniversary of your terrible diagnosis of stage 4 high risk neuroblastoma. i am having such a rough day, but i was glad a year ago i did not give up and i knew in my heart something was the matter with my sweet baby boy. looking back and during the 7 months you fought, i really thought you would be here today, loving life, having fun with your family and friends, but your little body could not beat this terrible nasty disease. i try to be strong in front of everyone especially your daddy and sissy~~~i would have taken this pain and disease from you if i could, but things do not work that way.i know you are the most beautiful angel up in heaven, doing gods work and i know each time you come to visit you are the most beautiful butterfly.

today when i went to your grave i left you beautiful petite pink roses with a special green ribbon and it said "ethan you are so beautiful. i miss and love you every day. love mommy" this is not a minute that goes by that i do not think about what we would be doing. sissy started preschool this week and it brought my dreams back to that you would be going to school also.

also i have noticed sissy has alot of you in her face, makes me happy. oh i just want to hold you, kiss you and bring you back. i wish i knew why god has to take the little boys and girls to heaven. i will never know. i love you so much~~it hurts!!!

remember i love you more than chocolate~~~
loving you always and wanting to be with you, mommy

4 months ago your pain and cancer stopped~~~

2010-08-09T21:36:00.000-07:00

hi my baby boy and hero it has been 4 months today that god called your name. you became free of cancer and pain. since then mommy has been filled with pain actually my pain started on sept 1 2009 when we heard the most devastating news "your son has cancer". i still remember not breathing, crying, fallening out of the chair. our world changed that day. but our world foever changed on april 9, 4 months ago. i remember our constant cuddling in the hospital and out especially thye last 2 weeks at home. i miss you so much, i hope you have so many new friends and have found your family up in heaven. i still can not believe you are not here, we all miss you so much. i always talk about you, i hold your pooh pillow. no one is allowed but me~~~i know you are with me always and are always with sissy and daddy and betsy of course~~~gigi, pappy, nana, bapa, uncle joey (he poops)(sarah says that now to him always) aunt leslie and baby jameson miss you as well as so many close friends.
PLEASE KNOW I DID EVERYTHING I COULD WITHOUT CAUSING YOU MORE PAIN.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND LOVE YOU MORE THAN CHOCOLATE, MOMMY~~~~~~

I miss you so much, my heart hurts and will never be the same~~~

2010-08-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

Hi baby boy, I am sorry I have not wrote to you in awhile. I think and want you so bad every single day/night~~Sarah and I went to visit gammy, we had a great time in th pool, the ocean, feeding turtles and so much more but esprcially loving your gammy but we all missed you so much. you would have enjoyed everything.
I am still so mad at god i wish i could find out why, why my baby that loved life so very much had to leave my arms. I know i will never get the answers until we meet again. I do know you are cancer free and pain free and you are running around again. i know you are constantly with me i can feel you and i believe you are one of the many butterflies i see constantly~~
Sarah still talks to you daily on the phone, she also sees brother in the back alot. i know you will always be there for her. she is 2 but she misses you so much, i will make sure she never forgets you.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER, MOMMY

Please watch over all your friends especially Kadie!!

2010-06-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

Ethan, we received not the best news from sarah (kadies mommy). she had her scans yesterday, it showed her tumor coming back. i could not sleep last night and my heart was racing, she was done with treatments and after 3 months that ugly cancer neuroblastoma came back. i still remember her last time in the hospital you both decided to not be cranky that day and wanted to have your date. so you both wanted soup from the snack cart and ate in the sun room with our battery opertated candle from christmas. from then on you called for kadie and called her your girlfriend as she did the same, you were her boyfriend. even after you were gone, they did tell kadie you died, when i went to visit kadie told me she will always have you as her boyfriend even when she gets married. i told her how special she is to me and that ethan is her special gaurdian angel now. she said i know. i still have to get myself together to call kadies mommy, i feel so bad for this news, please ethan tell god to let her become healthy again and to let her live her beautiful life with her parents, sisters and her friends and family. i will write again later~~~
i love you so very much and miss you sooo much, momma~~~

do you remember me????

2010-06-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

hi ethan it is your momma~~sissy is napping and i thought i would write you a little letter. sitting her looking at the picture i found yesterday, we were at chuck e cheese's you went on the ride that a statue of chuch e cheese is in a car and you sat next to him and it printed a picture. you were smiling and had those so chubby cheeks, i miss them. i miss everything, i hope you remember me, i will never forget my first born baby that god decided he needed to take from me~~i try to talk constantly to sissy about you, the other day she told me she wanted you back and i had to explain to her that you died and you are in heaven watching her every move, so she grabbed your pooh bear and said i love you brudder. i still call her sissy, i cant stop calling her that, i am thankful that we have video of the 2 of you together. last week your stone was finaly put in, it is beautiful but not as beautiful as if you were here with me. fathers day was hard, daddy said to me do you think i was a good daddy to ethan, oh course he was. we still do the what if's but we do not 2nd guess any decitions we made together. sissy is calling me from her nap, i am going to go i will talk to you later.
loving and missing you so much, mommy~~
~~PLEASE WATCH OUT FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND KATIE SHE IS GETTING HER SCANS DONE TOMORROW TO MAKE SURE THE MONSTER "NEUROBLASTOMA" IS STILL AWAY~~

missing you is so hard!!!!

2010-06-17T03:35:00.000-07:00

hi baby boy, i am sorry i have not been on your blog for a couple of weeks, momma will not let that happen again. Well since then, your birthday was here, you would have been my bubbly beautiful loving 3 year old. we had a wonderful balloon release and happy cake. also many others let balloons go in your memory, all over the place~~as of today we had 4 responses of people finding balloons, one was daddys!!

i have been having alot of hard days my baby boy, tomorrow is another friday. i hate fridays around this time because that is when god took you from me, it will be 11 weeks tomorrow.they are putting our stone in at the cemetary, sisy and i go constantly. she misses you so much, and i hope she never forgets you, i will not let that happen~~

yesterday was mommay's birthday, it was nice but i was missing you butterfly kisses and having happy cake with you!! in july sisy and i are going to see grammy aka "gigi" to sissy in florida. it will be hard making our first trip to see gammy without you, you would have loved the pools, the beach and just loving gammy!!!
well going to go i will be back, always know i am thinking of you constantly~~~

missing you like crazy and more than chocolate, mommy!!

ethan my hero

2010-05-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

ethan i sit here wondering what you would be doing today~~would you still be playing hockey (of course), potty trained, loving everybody (of course again). you would still be going through treatments, i feel bad still how fast you got sick and how most of the remainder of your precious beautiful life was spent in the hospital~~i went to visit your girlfriend kadie the other day, it was a beatiful day, sarah played with kadie, gracie and jo and kadies mom , sarah, and i talked. kadie told me she will always remember her boyfriend and i told her you would be watching over her constantly~~in 1 1/2 days on may 29,2010 @ 8:44am, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN 3!! aunt jackie and i will be visiting you at the cemetary in the am then in the afternoon we are going to release balloons and people that do not live here or are going to be away are releasing their own balloons, we made a special tag to go on the balloon and i told everyone to takes pictures or video~~~then everyone can help themselves to some happy cake, this is what you always called birthday cake. i am getting very anxious about your birthday coming and you are not here. a child is not susposed to die before their mommy or daddy. sissy is the one getting me and daddy through, i do thank god for her, but i am still mad he took you away. sarah and i went to the cemetary today because she loves to go see her "brudder", she helped me water your flowers, fresh cut ones in a vase since your stone is still not here, she smelled them and said okay and then kissed your angel statue. and all the way to the car she always yells, I LOVE YOU BRUDDER~~~we all love and miss you so much, it hurts so much not to hold you, kiss you, feel you or talk to you. i still remeber the day i met you,on may 29,2007. i knew being a mommy was going to be so wonderful and it was and still is, but it is sad not having you here~~~
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, EVEN MORE THAN CHOCOLATE~~~~MOMMY

Ethan, I walked at relay for life for you!!!

2010-05-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

Ethan another hard day but i needed to do this. I attended the relay for life, the phil (aunt heidi's team) dedicated their walk to your memory~~we decorated the table for you birthday, we had colorful balloons, "happy cake" and lots of pictures of you!! I smiled, I cried and at times I was mad because god did not let you be a survivor!! I dreamed one day you and pappy would do the survivor lap together hand in hand!! the luminary ceremony was very hard for me and for daddy, he had to leave and go home because the lady speaking said "god gives you what you can handle", we can not hear that from anyones mouth, but i stayed and daddy needed his time. i sat in front of one of your many bags and pappy's bag was right beside you~~i cried during the song "will you remember me", i hope you do i will never ever forget you, nobody will, i tried to be the very best mommy. going to go need some sleep because tomorrow is sissy's march for babies walk, TEAM SARAH PATRICIA. we are walking in memory of you baby boy. sissy told me you sleep in her bed the other night, so beautiful, she loves you and talks to you everyday~~sleep with the angels baby.
love always, mommy

Ethan you have been gone 6 weeks, missing you so much!!!

2010-05-21T18:55:00.000-07:00

Ethan today is friday , i hate fridays since you died. it has been 6 weeks, i still think of you constantly and i always end up crying. today was a beautiful day, you would have been running around in your diaper (you hated clothes when it was warm)but maybe by now you would have been in big boy pants?? i always wonder what you would be doing~~next saturday you would be turning 3, we would be having the biggest party (now it will be sending you balloons and eating cake), you would be getting ready for preschool (you would have won over the teachers with your smile and would have so many friends because you loved everyone).
tomorrow i am walking in the "relay for life" the phil team, they dedicated this year to you, we are decorating for your birthday. ethan you are my inspiration. i hope this helps to never here "your child has cancer" or "there is nothing else that can be done with your child", these words still make me sick to this day. ETHANBUG YOU ARE MY SON BUT YOU ARE ALSO MY HERO, YOUR LIFE HAS TOUCHED SO MANY~~~
then on sunday we are walking in "march for babies" for sissy. last year you had so much fun and loved that your shirt said brother. i miss holding you in my arms, even though most nights after sept 1 it was in a hospital bed. also miss our talks at night and how you would say "hold", i always did my love. please continue to give me signs that you are here~~~
monday sarah and i are going to visit kadie (your girlfriend from childrens) and her family. you are the love of my life my handsome beautiful boy, my first born. i still remember the day you entered my life. it was the day i became a mommy, the most perfect day~~~i will talk to you again tomorrow. love and miss you so much my baby boy!!!

To Mommy From Ethan (WRITTEN BY AUNT JACKIE)

2010-05-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

ethan aunt jackie told me she received this from heaven to deliver to me, i thank aunt jackie for writing this for me ~~~~~

Hi Mommy - Happy Mother's Day!
I know sometimes it seems like I'm far away

But I'm in heaven watching over you
And of course my Daddy and my Sissy too

I miss you Mommy, but it is so great here
The sun always shines and the skies are clear

I'm not hurting any more, I can run and play
I know you love me and miss me every day

But God needed me to be an angel and now I have my wings
I get to make rainbows and other pretty things

I make the sun shine - you can feel me in its rays
And I make the mud puddles on the rainy days!

I saw Sissy jumping in a mud puddle for me
She had on her rain hat and boy did she look silly!

I'm glad you tell Sissy all about her big brudder
Please always remind her how much I love her

I will always protect her and keep her safe from harm
I send you hugs through her, you can feel me in her arms

I told her she has to wipe your tears when you cry
I know you don't really understand why I had to die

I came down to earth to teach a lot of people how to love
But I couldn't stay forever, I was needed in heaven above

Mommy, you always knew I was special and now you know why
I'm an angel - I'm a hero - I'm your Ethan Bug - and now I can fly!

God sent me to you because he wanted me to learn about love
He knew I would feel it in my Mommy's kisses and hugs

Now my job as an angel is to put love in people's hearts
To teach them about kindness, and that love is where it starts

Thank you Mommy for teaching me what love is about
You are the bestest Mommy ever, there is no doubt

Please remember Mommy that I will live forever in your heart
So you see, we will never really be apart

And if you have days when you are sad and blue
Just remember Mommy - I love you even more than POOH!!

From your baby boy always and forever,
Ethan Bug

DANDELION'S FROM HEAVEN

2010-05-10T20:15:00.000-07:00

Dandelions from Heaven
Mothers day is coming And I wanted to send you a sign
something you can tell others; "Is from an angel of mine
So I searched the heavens high and low for that perfect thing....
And low and behold I found it.... And a smile I hope it will bring.

So when you look to the heavens and see the yellow stars in the sky
Just think of me .... your angel... in the heavens way up high
And just imagine those stars; are dandelions up above.
Yes! Dandelions are also in heaven; which you know how much I love.

So on this mothers day and you awake and feel blue....
You will notice those yellow stars... are no longer in view.
So look to the meadows and the dandelions you see...
Are the ones I've tossed down this mothers day from me.

And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white;
Youre supposed to make a wish and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses to me in heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back sent with all my love.

Please know that l am with you.... on this mothers day....
And also in the days ahead.... God and I will never stray.
We will be with you in the morning ....when you awake and see the sun....
We will be with you when you say your prayers when the day is done.

For God and I will never be very far from your side....
For I can now be everywhere.... and God will be your guide.
So.... remember when you see dandelions it is your guarantee
That I am always close to you.... for dandelions are free to roam ....now just like me.

I will always be with you mummy....
Happy Mothers Day....
Love your angel in heaven.

Anonymous.

sorry i have not written to you in awhile, mommy is having tough days!!

2010-05-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

ethan my love i miss you so much, so much has been going on. last week i got a tattoo representing you and my love for you. i figured with everything you went through i needed to do this for my baby boy, my prince~~~it is the ethan bug on this blog that our friend loree drew, then it says ETHAN BUG and i had the number 2 put on it~~~
right now i am listening to the songs from the playlist i put on your blog, they are sad but they make me think of you~~everyday i wonder what we would be doing together, i know one thing that we would definately be doing is hugging, smiling and loving each other~~~i often wonder why god did this??? i waited so long for you and within 2 years god took you from me. i hope one day to try to understand. when we come home from nanas and bapas house and go past the county jail, i wonder why god took you and left those criminals here on earth~~i do not sleep well at night at all anymore, all i think about is you and how you and sissy would be, she misses you so much and i think she truely understands about where you are. we go to the cemetary together quite often, she always kisses you goodbye~~
i wil write again to you tomorrow, i love you more than chocolate.
SLEEP WITH THE ANGELS MY BABY BOY, LOVE ALWAYS, YOUR MOMMY~~~

Pymatuning trip~~~~

2010-04-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

Ethan it is the time of year to go to our camp, i do not know if i can do it yet. i am still so fragile with my feeling and i will be for awhile but i do not know if i am ready yet~~the last time we were there you were just starting to show symptoms, oh baby give me a sigh what should i do. i will get there but i think it is so soon~~~that was and still is our family place, boating rides, swimming, mud puddles, ice cream at yorkies, talking walks and just loving each other. but you are missing and it just kills me inside. i am going to go dream of you, i will see you in my dreams~~
i love you and miss you so much my prince,mommy

mising you badly ethan bug~~~~~

2010-04-28T18:50:00.001-07:00

Ethan hope you like the new pooh balloon i brought you today, also the grass is growing, also my heart and hands are longing for you. sissy came today for the first time, i explained how you were in the ground out of pain and no more cancer aka yuckies. she said so cute he brother blankie, i just looked at her, she said brother cold blankie. i just started to cry, whe ran to me and said hold like you always did and told me to stop and brushed my tears away. then this evening we were out towards the cemetary again so i asked daddy if he would stop, he said ok. see it was daddys first time coming since the funeral, he said the angel, little stone, balloon and blue pinwheel looked good. we cried together and both agreed it is not fair that we have to go see you , our baby boy, at the cemetary, you should be with us playing and loving life~~~

the last week has been so busy, we went to a pens game and were treated to dinner and tickets, the game lasted 6 periods. we did not win but i felt your presence their. i would look to where we sat on valentines day for the hockey game and cry, we had such a good time.
then saturday we still had the prom, we celebrated you beautiful life. there was laughter but there was also tears. in some pictures there is a circle that someone says means a spirit is there. well in one of the pics with me you must have been there on my chest, also in one with uncle joey there is a circle on his leg. i felt your presence~~~

today grammy went home , she had been here for awhile. she has been helping mommy get through this, she will be back to see us in june~~~sarah now calls her gigi, sarah keeps us all going these days. without her making us laugh and cry we do not know what we would do. we still call her sissy alot especially me. she talks to the pictures of you and the ones of you and her, she always grabs the phone and starts taking to brother~~she loves you so much, and i will make sure she never ever forgets you!!!

i love you so much baby boy,
even more than chocolate~~~

you mommy always and forever

~~mommy added a family picture and a picture of your beautiful sissy~~

From Your Angel in Heaven

2010-04-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

I see tears fall down your face when your thoughts have turned to me. Just know that I’m in heaven,With my Lord, who’s set me free. No pain or sadness do I feel,For God is by my side.

The beauty here in Heaven is now where I reside. I know it’s hard for you to cope For you can’t feel my touch. But every moment, I can see and love you very much.

When you are at your lowest and feel you can’t go on, Look towards the heavens The light will be turned on.

Talk to me, just like you did On earth when I was there.You see, I’m not so far away …Only as far as a prayer.

And when it’s time for you to join Me up in Heaven above. It’s then that you will realize,The Golden Place of love.

For here there is no sadness,Just everlasting light.Someday we will be joined again,When it’s time to take your flight.

~Author~Ruth Ann Mahaffey

This is a beautiful story~~~

2010-04-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

This is beautiful!

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: 'How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?'

The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'

Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?'

The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the
university.'

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair?' the nurse asked.. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else.' I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could.'

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

Dear Mom,

I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You'. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day.. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things we boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know.

Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was He. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'where was He when I needed him?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.

Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore the cancer is all gone... I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

THIS WAS EMAILED TO ME FROM A FRIEND, SO BEAUTIFUL~~~~~

My heart is hurting tonight~~~~

2010-04-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

Ethan I miss you so much my heart is actually hurting~~~I miss everything about you, your butterfly kisses, the way you always held mommy in your arms, etc!!!! Went to the cemetary with pappy, I tried to stay strong for him, he misses you so very much. Please watch over daddy and guide him the right way~~~tomorrow we are going to the pens playoff game, but you already knew that, daddy and i are going to have dinner in the igloo club , watch the game, and meet some players maybe afterwards. I know i will feel you there with me, i will take your hockey fights cancer towel that you always waved and your crosby jersey~~~I am going to try to sleep but i usually do not because i only think of you and sissy and how cute you two would be together.

talk to you tomorrow my hero, love always, mommy

I miss you, someday we will be together again~~~

2010-04-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

Ethan I went to the cemetary today, i took an angel statue (it is a little boy angel very cute), a memory rock, pinwheel (blue your favorite color), flowers and a cars balloon. I sat and cried about how much i miss you and want to be with you, but I guess daddy and sarah need me too~~~Andreas had there finale fundraiser for your all day today, they made quite a bit of money for your trust fund. Daddy was on tv thanking everybody for there support and talking about what happened since sept 1 and how much we miss you, i was crying. Sissy was talking to your mud puddle picture today, saying brother i love you, and now she says "hold" to me and puts her arms up, i think you taught her to do that silly boy~~~today i went back to bed after being up for 1 hour, i just wanted to lay and think about you and what we would be doing today and even in the future. Well we are suspossed to be going to the pens game on thursday night, we will wave your pens towel and you favorite crosby shirt, i still remember our special valentines date to the pens game, your loved watching the hockey, eating the food and being with your mommy~~~tomorrow i am taking pappy to your gravesite, i am sure we will shed some tears together he misses you so very much~~~well going to go try to sleep, sleep with the angels baby boy, i love you

MORE THAN CHOCOLATE!!

Love always, mommy

I love you so much ETHAN BUG!!!

2010-04-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

Ethan Bug many many puddles out there today, I am looking for the perfect one for all of us to jump in~~Sissy was talking about brother alot today, I wish she could understand where you are, but she will know when she understands and she will know about the best big brother she had!! I did not here from pappy today, he is taking this very hard, you will always be his best little buddy. We met aunt lori, Uncle Timmy, Aunt Jackie and Uncle Shawn today, it went good until going to babies r us.I automatically went looking for boy clothes and realized i do not have a little boy to dress anymore, so i started to cry, simple things make me miss you like crazy!! Tomorrow we are going to hunters communion, it will be hard not having you there my love. Jaden released balloons for you today, you are his gaurdian angel, you will get him through this awful cancer!! Also i found out sidney crosby had your name written on his tape on his hockey stick, you have touched his life without even formally meeting him~~ well i will write more tomorrow,
I love and miss you so much,
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN CHOCOLATE, MOMMY

An angel named Ethan,This was written and read by Aunt Jackie at your wake~~

2010-04-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

An angel named Ethan

On May 29, 2007, an angel named Ethan was sent down from heaven

His mommy took one look at him, and gave him a big hug
And she sang to him, “I’m in love with an Ethan Bug”

He was born with chubby cheeks and pretty eyes of blue
He got those from his mommy, and his pretty smile too

From his daddy, he got his big booming laugh
He had the best parents any little boy could have

You see, God knew this boy would need a special family
Which is why he sent him to live with Ken and Kelly

No two parents have ever loved their children more
It’s amazing what these two parents have endured

Ethan’s little sissy Sarah was a premature baby
When asked if she would survive, the doctors said maybe

She was a little fighter, right from the start
Mommy called her “Special Peanut” and opened up her heart

The Loneys now had two babies within 9 months of each other
Ethan would say that’s my Sissy and I’m the big brother!

Sarah was in the NICU for 3 long months while she grew
Into the happy, healthy girl who is now a terrible two

The Loneys finally had both of their babies home together
They told both of them we will love you always and forever

Two blonde haired babes and their doggy named Betsy
Playing, laughing, and naturally fighting occasionally

I love when the Loneys visit me and Uncle Shawn
Ethan liked to jump in my mud puddle and play golf on the lawn

And Sarah, well I call her my little Miss Stinkerbell
And sometimes Miss Cantankerous when she isn’t behaving well

Ethan and Sarah and their friend Taylor liked to play together
And Taylor told Ethan, “You’ll be my best friend forever”

Ethan was 100% boy – he loved to play in the mud and the dirt
Then all of the sudden he stared telling Mommy and Daddy “I hurt”

His mom and dad wouldn’t give up, they knew Ethan wasn’t himself
And they weren’t about to take any chances with their sons health

The horrible news came in September of last year
The Loneys got the news no parent ever wants to hear

The doctors told them their precious son had cancer
We all asked why, but no one could give an answer

Ethan went through months of hell, but all the while
He kept his fighting spirit and his beautiful smile

All the doctors and nurses fell in love, but that’s no surprise
It happened to anyone as soon as they saw those big blue eyes

Ken and Kelly have so many friends and family who showed their love
We all tried to support them and prayed to God up above

We all prayed for a miracle to make Ethan healthy again
But God had a different plan, which we are trying to comprehend

God wanted his angel to come back to heaven you see
I guess God needed him more than you and me

It’s really not hard to figure out why
God made an angel out of our little guy

For he’ll watch over us all and keep us safe
He’s now with his Nana Pat in a special place

On April 9 of 2010, our special angel Ethan went to heaven again.

The Brave Little Soul, Sister Lisa read this at your funeral mass!!

2010-04-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

The Brave Little Soul
By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” she asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

You have been gone 1 week~~~~

2010-04-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

Ethan you have been gone 1 week today, you left my arms to go to heaven and be cancer free and play in mud puddles~~I spent time at the cemetary, I ate lunch with you and we watched some planes come into the airport, those plans fly right in front of you. I can not wait for the grass to grow so i can plant some flowers and make your space look nice, believe me I would rather have you here~~Grammy found the nicest gift today, it is a little cup that says "I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE THAN CHOCOLATE", I look at it and reminds me of you, every day and night I would say that so many times!! It rained alot today and all I thought about was the mud puddles we would be jumping in. Sarah went and spent the day with uncle timmy and aunt lori, she misses you but she does not understand. She will always know and remember you, I even bought her a new onesie that says "little sister". Everyone misses you so much.
Well going to try to get some sleep, but remember I LOVE YOU MORE THAN CHOCOLATE"

Love you always and forever, mommy

MISSING YOU TONIGHT AND ALWAYS~~~

2010-04-15T21:13:00.001-07:00

Ethan I think of you constantly, everything reminds me of you. I sit here crying, I just want to touch you, hold you, talk to you, but you are not in pain anymore~~We picked up all the flowers this morning from the funeral home, I can not believe how many flowers and other items we received, but you were loved so much by so many. Everyday is going to be so hard, I do not want to live my life without you, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU~~~I will write more tomorrow, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN:

CHOCOLATE!!

Sleep well my baby boy~~~

We buried you today~~~~

2010-04-14T19:44:00.002-07:00

Ethan we had to say goodbye today, it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. I still can not believe we lost our fight against Neuroblastoma. You had a rough time the entire time we had to fight. I am so proud to be your mommy, so many people came to celebrate you life today, the sun was out and from your grave you get to see airplanes coming in and taking off something you always enjoyed~~Sissy asked for you today but she does not understand that her big brother died she is only 2, but she loved you so very much, we will keep your memory alive by talking with her about you and showing her the many many pictures I have of you both. Daddy misses you so much also, he had so many things he planned to do with his only son. I will write to you again tomorrow my sweet ETHAN BUG~~~I LOVE YOU MORE THAN CHOCOLATE~~~